Chell's Roost

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How to Vaccuum with a Bissell CleanView

Bissell CleanView
Step 1:
Bring the Bissell CleanView model 1816 (9595, for non-Target shoppers) home, giddy over your savings on this purchase. Decide to keep family awake, and stay up late to use it for the first time. Sleep and dog hair be darned!
Step 2:
Turn the vacuum on, and oogle over the cyclonic, dust bunny-destroying power. The mini crumb twister in the canister is like your very own mesmerizing, mall-style coin funnel.
Step 3:
Notice, quickly, that the twister is running out of fuel, as the crumbs are held up in the top part of the canister. Also notice a burning sensation on your ankles. Empty the canister, and turn the machine back on, hoping that what is still caught in the top will eventually work its way down.
Step 4:
Remove the hose end to try out the attachments. Smash your toes under the vacuum’s handle when the short hose length causes it to immediatly and violently topple over.
Step 5:
Turn the vacuum off, and unwind the strip of throw rug from the TurboBrush attachment. Note that while the attachment is powerful enough to stripe rugs, it is gentle enough to pet dog hair.
Step 6:
Smash your toes under the @#!!%! vacuum’s handle, while unwinding the strip of rug, and violently toppling the machine over.
Step 7:
Reattach the hose end, for regular vacuuming. Start vacuuming. Stop to reattach the hose end, which has come loose. Push the button to lean the vacuum into operating position. Put it back upright. Reattach the hose end.
Step 8:
Start vacuuming. Feel gravel burn on your ankles again, and realize the vacuum is shooting debris out the back. Also notice the bottleneck in the top of the canister. Get covered in dust and debris while taking the filter out of the canister, to clear the jam. Replace it. Wash hands and arms. Repeat step 8. Several times.
Step 9:
Push button to open washable filter compartment. Keep trying, when the compartment won’t open. Keep trying. Let another person try. Be relieved when it opens upon a last ditch effort. Wash the filter. Wait a day for it to dry.
Step 10:
Start vacuuming again. Feel burning on ankles. Accept this as a part of vacuuming. Use hose to vacuum socks and scattered debris. Smash your toes under the @#!!%! vacuum’s handle.
Step 11:
Tire of the sensation of driving over railroad tracks, caused by the vacuum’s bottom-positioned power cord and worthless top holder. Decide to vacuum stairs, instead. Using attachment, start on bottom steps. Smash your toes and the violently dislodged TurboBrush under the @#!!%! vacuum’s handle. Set the brush pieces aside.
Step 12:
Pick the vacuum up with one hand, and realize that such a complex machine requires much weight. Finish the stairs. Appreciate the relaxing time spent afterwards, fixing the TurboBrush.

Don’t waste your money on this machine. >:-(

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